The Wheels on the Bike Go Round and Round

The Ancient Mariner is spinning his wheels in Nouvelle Caledonie today. When offered a medical update from an American Navy doctor, the French military brass declined. Tres boring, n'est-ce pas? Crying "Ooh-la-la," AM kicked up his heels, filed the PowerPoint, painted his thighs with black spandex, and went exploring on his bike.

Captain James Cook spotted this island in 1774. "Blimey! This place reminds me of my father's native Scotland." He named it New Caledonia which is a fancy way of saying New Scotland.

About a hundred years later, in late 1853, Napoleon III noticed England was putting together quite an impressive empire, with colonies in Australia and New Zealand, so the French decided to take possession of New Caledonia. The native Melanesians - not to be confused with Polynesians since I've mastered the distinction in the past week and now you can, too - would very much like to govern themselves, thank you very much, and in 1998 the French promised the islanders could hold a referendum on independence at any time after 2014. Some Melanesians believe the French are hoping to influence the outcome of the referendum by giving themselves 16 years to relocate half the population of France to the South Pacific.

The French call the island Caledonie while Melanesian nationalists favor Kanaky. Whatever you call it, it looks like a tropical paradise to me. And there you have it. Now I will devote another five hours to trying to start the lawn mower. But, of course, I'm not complaining.